“Living with No Regrets!” That’s a total lie!

“Living with no regrets” is a well-said phrase. Looking back on my musical life, I have many regrets and I sometimes wish that my big failure was just a dream even decades later! It happened one midsummer day in 1986 at an outdoor concert in Shinjuku. For the first time, I would like to share the whole story of a tragedy that I could no longer run away from. I’m sure this will be humiliating...

After returning to Japan from the States in 1986, I started working for a computer company in the Shinjuku Mitsui Building. That summer, I had heard about a singing contest that was planned to be held in the openair space in front of the Mitsui Building as part of a summer festival. However, no one from my company applied for the contest, so I said to the president of the company, “I’m always ready to sing!” The president immediately answered, “Got it!” and it was right then that I decided to apply for the contest.

The contestants had to first choose a song to qualify. This was where I made my first mistake: I didn’t know any Japanese songs that were popular while I was in the States studying since 1974. I chose an old hit song, “Mata Au Hi Made (Till We Meet Again)” by Kiyohiko Ozaki without thinking twice. I had never sung it much before, but I liked the melody and the lyrics of this song the best among all the songs that I could remember, so I thought it was the perfect choice.

Shortly after I applied, qualification day came. It was held in the basement floor of the Mitsui Building, and the stage was unexpectedly large, perhaps 7 to 8 meters wide. There were at least two to three hundred folding chairs set up for the audience in front of the stage, and many people came to show their support for the contestants. I thought to myself, “So this is the stage that I’m going to sing on...” as I watched the intense performance of other contestants, I made up my mind to sing my best to make it through the qualification round.

When it finally was my turn to take the stage, I could see in the distance that many of my colleagues were there to see my performance. “Alright! Let’s do this!!” I told myself and I sang with all my heart and soul. I think the performance wasn’t so bad after all. One of my female colleagues even brought a huge bouquet of flowers to the stage when I finished singing. Thanks to the support from my colleagues, I passed the qualifying round and was one of the few finalists to enter into the singing contest!

A few weeks later, the final round was set to take place at the summer festival. The openair space in front of the Mitsui Building was surprisingly large, and the size of the stage built for the event was immense! To my surprise, our performances were even accompanied by a full orchestra! I shuddered to see the professional stage setting in front of me and I said to myself, “They should’ve told me that first...”, “This is such a big stage...”, but it was too late. Moreover, there was no rehearsal despite the size of the stage. I had been on stage many times in the States with my band, but this situation scared me to death!

My turn was approaching at any moment. I kept saying to myself, “I can’t believe it...”, “Oh, man...”, “I wish this was just a dream!”, “What if I forget the words?” There was no time left for me, and then, my name was called. Finally my time came to hit the stage. The next moment, I found myself standing alone on the big openair stage! It was totally unexpected! I wasn’t allowed to rehearse and I was not ready at all! The moment the backup orchestra started playing the intro to the song, they illuminated the stage and then the spotlight shone down on me. This surreal situation took my nervousness to the highest level as the orchestra’s loud introduction started growing louder and louder. I gradually became numb and felt my mind go somewhere else when I sang.

I think I remember that I started singing and I finished singing. However, I was so nervous that my voice went up and down and I couldn’t sing as myself at all. It was definitely the worst performance of my life. It is a nightmare to see myself standing on a big stage with a full orchestra only to shame myself so badly, but that was reality.

I have tried not to ever think about it until today because I only feel regret whenever I look back to that time. If I could relive my life and do this performance over again, I would choose a different song and mentally prepare for the orchestra in the background, maybe add some dance moves and sing it in my own cool way. “I wish I could just sing there one more time.” - That is my dream. But, I also wish someone would tell me, “Don’t worry, that was just a nightmare, not reality!” Okay, the worst day of my musical life was only just a dream, right? Ha! Sure it was...